A House of Mirrors

My mind is a house of mirrors--one where my body image is continually a mystery--I'm never sure if I see myself as skinny or fat.  When I find myself in a neutral state of mind, I see myself as skinny. I usually don't have spatial awareness.  I hit things with my hips as I go by them.  Sometimes I think I can fit into a small space, but I get stuck or have to weasel my way out of a difficult and embarrassing.  Usually I apologize and joke that my "hips don't lie"

This awful truth includes clothing.  I have a lot of clothes that are too small, because I am in denial that I don't fit into them anymore.  But its weird because in my mind's eye, I visualize myself as skinnier than I actually am.  Then I see candid photos of myself where I remember being in a mental space of believing I am skinny, and I am faced with the harsh reality: I am heavy.

Most people see themselves as fatter than they truly are.  I see illustrations of skinny people looking into mirrors and seeing an overweight person wearing their clothes.  Or people will blog about how they stare at themselves in the mirror for hours and think about what they can change or adjust.  But my problem is unique: The way I visualize myself in my mind does not match up with reality, and it leaves me confused and unsure of how to view myself.

Like all women, I started becoming more self-aware during adolescence.  Through other people calling me fat I realized that according to society, I am fat.  I started embracing it.  I started loving that I was bigger than the other girls: the friends of mine who got their hearts broken because the guys they dated only wanted "one thing."  I was thankful that God protected me from that "one thing" because I was overweight.  I was also looking for that "One guy who would love me for my inner beauty."  I remember having a conversation of AIM with a guy that I really liked at the time who didn't like me, but I tried to convince him I am ok with not being liked by guys because I wanted the "guy who loved me for the true me."

Then came a paradigm shift yet again.  I started attending a Christian college, and all of my friends started getting married, which is typical of a Christian college if you weren't aware.  All of the beautiful women got married first.  NO I don't mean outer beauty.  I mean inner AND outer beauty.  These women were beautiful in every way.  They loved the Lord, they showed absolute love for others AND they were gorgeous.  I didn't see that in High School.  It was always and either or--or a neither.  How could I compete with that?  WHY would any man in his right mind settle for a fat girl that loves Jesus when they could have the FULL PACKAGE?  What I had been holding onto, my awesome personality, was now null and void.  I would never find a husband.

After leaving college, I was in the best shape of my life, but I probably hated myself the most.  Not because I was trying to win the attention of guy, actually it was the exact opposite.  I wanted nothing to do with men.  I basically gave up on that possibility in my life and went into the mission field like a "good single Christian woman." (disclaimer: I have nothing against Christian single missionaries. Its just something that I have noticed as an expectation from the Church over the years). I ate nothing but chicken and vegetables and lost a bunch of weight and I looked good.  Meanwhile, on furlough, I met who later became my husband and fell madly in love.

I thought, "I have met him! The man of my dreams! The one who loves me for who I am, rolls and all! Everything will be better now that I know he doesn't mind that I am overweight.  He loves me and supports me, and never makes me feel fat. He never tries to tell me not to eat something I probably shouldn't eat. He lets me order dessert.  He loves me!"  Happy ending right? Now all of my self-loathing can come to an end!

SOOO...why do I still feel fat? Why do I still hate myself?  Why do I convince myself that my husband doesn't find me attractive?  Why do I convince myself that I am not good enough for him?  Why do I curse the me of high school and wish I had made healthier choices that would make me look amazing for my husband one day?  Who is the real enemy?  Society? Men? My husband? Or myself?

And the harsh reality is...the enemy is me.  I cannot be healthy or feel good about myself until I see myself as God sees me.  Not society.  Not my twisted fun house of a mind.  Not even my husband.  But God.  God wants me to be healthy.  God wants me to love myself as much as he loves me.

I am tired of being disappointed at every candid photo I see.
I am tired of slapping makeup on my face to get people to look at my eyes rather than my hips.
I am tired of squeezing into clothes that are too small because I am in denial that I can fit into them.
I am tired of hating myself when I look in the mirror.
I am tired of convincing myself that I am not the problem.

I am the problem.  I need to adjust my mindset.  I need to ignore the fun house of mirrors, and starting seeing the truth.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  I am chosen. I am in HIS image.

SO here is my embarrassing "before" picture.  Its not necessarily about weight loss (though it is) but more about loving myself.  As I start the journey of healthy living--a journey that probably won't end because it is a life change.  I am saying goodbye to the food that I have probably already eaten and don't need to eat again, and I am saying hello to loving myself--and loving change.  Hopefully with this change I will lose the weight I have been holding onto for so long: both the physical and emotional weight.

Total Weight Loss so far: 6 lbs.

Favorite Low-Cal meal: grilled chicken, stewed tomatoes and spinach

Favorite snack: cottage cheese and pineapple (only 100 calories!!)

Favorite Workout: 30 mins on the stepper

Favorite Workout song: Part of Me by Katy Perry