A House of Mirrors

My mind is a house of mirrors--one where my body image is continually a mystery--I'm never sure if I see myself as skinny or fat.  When I find myself in a neutral state of mind, I see myself as skinny. I usually don't have spatial awareness.  I hit things with my hips as I go by them.  Sometimes I think I can fit into a small space, but I get stuck or have to weasel my way out of a difficult and embarrassing.  Usually I apologize and joke that my "hips don't lie"

This awful truth includes clothing.  I have a lot of clothes that are too small, because I am in denial that I don't fit into them anymore.  But its weird because in my mind's eye, I visualize myself as skinnier than I actually am.  Then I see candid photos of myself where I remember being in a mental space of believing I am skinny, and I am faced with the harsh reality: I am heavy.

Most people see themselves as fatter than they truly are.  I see illustrations of skinny people looking into mirrors and seeing an overweight person wearing their clothes.  Or people will blog about how they stare at themselves in the mirror for hours and think about what they can change or adjust.  But my problem is unique: The way I visualize myself in my mind does not match up with reality, and it leaves me confused and unsure of how to view myself.

Like all women, I started becoming more self-aware during adolescence.  Through other people calling me fat I realized that according to society, I am fat.  I started embracing it.  I started loving that I was bigger than the other girls: the friends of mine who got their hearts broken because the guys they dated only wanted "one thing."  I was thankful that God protected me from that "one thing" because I was overweight.  I was also looking for that "One guy who would love me for my inner beauty."  I remember having a conversation of AIM with a guy that I really liked at the time who didn't like me, but I tried to convince him I am ok with not being liked by guys because I wanted the "guy who loved me for the true me."

Then came a paradigm shift yet again.  I started attending a Christian college, and all of my friends started getting married, which is typical of a Christian college if you weren't aware.  All of the beautiful women got married first.  NO I don't mean outer beauty.  I mean inner AND outer beauty.  These women were beautiful in every way.  They loved the Lord, they showed absolute love for others AND they were gorgeous.  I didn't see that in High School.  It was always and either or--or a neither.  How could I compete with that?  WHY would any man in his right mind settle for a fat girl that loves Jesus when they could have the FULL PACKAGE?  What I had been holding onto, my awesome personality, was now null and void.  I would never find a husband.

After leaving college, I was in the best shape of my life, but I probably hated myself the most.  Not because I was trying to win the attention of guy, actually it was the exact opposite.  I wanted nothing to do with men.  I basically gave up on that possibility in my life and went into the mission field like a "good single Christian woman." (disclaimer: I have nothing against Christian single missionaries. Its just something that I have noticed as an expectation from the Church over the years). I ate nothing but chicken and vegetables and lost a bunch of weight and I looked good.  Meanwhile, on furlough, I met who later became my husband and fell madly in love.

I thought, "I have met him! The man of my dreams! The one who loves me for who I am, rolls and all! Everything will be better now that I know he doesn't mind that I am overweight.  He loves me and supports me, and never makes me feel fat. He never tries to tell me not to eat something I probably shouldn't eat. He lets me order dessert.  He loves me!"  Happy ending right? Now all of my self-loathing can come to an end!

SOOO...why do I still feel fat? Why do I still hate myself?  Why do I convince myself that my husband doesn't find me attractive?  Why do I convince myself that I am not good enough for him?  Why do I curse the me of high school and wish I had made healthier choices that would make me look amazing for my husband one day?  Who is the real enemy?  Society? Men? My husband? Or myself?

And the harsh reality is...the enemy is me.  I cannot be healthy or feel good about myself until I see myself as God sees me.  Not society.  Not my twisted fun house of a mind.  Not even my husband.  But God.  God wants me to be healthy.  God wants me to love myself as much as he loves me.

I am tired of being disappointed at every candid photo I see.
I am tired of slapping makeup on my face to get people to look at my eyes rather than my hips.
I am tired of squeezing into clothes that are too small because I am in denial that I can fit into them.
I am tired of hating myself when I look in the mirror.
I am tired of convincing myself that I am not the problem.

I am the problem.  I need to adjust my mindset.  I need to ignore the fun house of mirrors, and starting seeing the truth.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  I am chosen. I am in HIS image.

SO here is my embarrassing "before" picture.  Its not necessarily about weight loss (though it is) but more about loving myself.  As I start the journey of healthy living--a journey that probably won't end because it is a life change.  I am saying goodbye to the food that I have probably already eaten and don't need to eat again, and I am saying hello to loving myself--and loving change.  Hopefully with this change I will lose the weight I have been holding onto for so long: both the physical and emotional weight.

Total Weight Loss so far: 6 lbs.

Favorite Low-Cal meal: grilled chicken, stewed tomatoes and spinach

Favorite snack: cottage cheese and pineapple (only 100 calories!!)

Favorite Workout: 30 mins on the stepper

Favorite Workout song: Part of Me by Katy Perry

Thank You Notes

We still haven't sent out our thank you notes from our wedding gifts.  According to theknot.com, wedding etiquette says that you should send your thank you notes within a year of your wedding.

Well that year has snuck up on us.  Life happened.  I have been too busy living life to pause and be thankful.  Unfortunately, this has been something I have noticed about myself as I learn what it is like to fill in the identity of "wife."  Sometimes I am too busy living life, going to work, going to the gym, cleaning, cooking, etc. etc. To actually pause and thank God for this amazing life He has given me.

Recently, I heard that the secret to contentment is gratitude.  Give thanks should be a daily process in our lives.  Showing gratitude to people for the things that they do for us is important.  More important than we know.

As an educator, I know what it is like not to be appreciated, but I still do my job without expecting to be appreciated by my students or their parents.  I know what its like to continue doing a job day after day without so much as an empty thank you.  But I still do my job, I still love my job, and I still love my students and their parents (most of the time).  And it hurts.  It hurts a lot.

God continually gives and gives without expecting anything in return.  He is an extreme giver.  So extreme that he gave us His son--a sacrifice so we could live.  Wow.  How come I don't thank Him, CONSTANTLY?

Thank you notes should be such a small, trivial thing in comparison to thanking the God of the universe for loving me, but should it be considered trivial? If I can't thank my husband's friend for the blender she gave me, how can I possibly expect to live a life a gratitude toward my Creator?  Its time to change my viewpoint.  Time to love others through thanksgiving.  Time to show gratitude to all. And time to send out those blasted thank you notes.

The Middle

I am 27 years old. According to USAToday, women's life expectancy in the United States is 81. That means that I will hit my mid-life crisis in 13 years. Yikes.  In the quote above from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy is referring to his love for the heroin of the book, Elizabeth Bennett. He articulates in one single quotation exactly what I have realized so recently.  I am in the middle of my life before I have even known (or realized) it has already begun.

So many times I have thought, "As soon as <insert life event> happens, life will truly begin.  Wow. How small minded is that?  Life HAS started.  I am closer to the middle of my life than I am to the beginning of it! WOW.

Discontentment is one of those things that creeps up on me during ever season of my life. Every.Single.One.  I read verse after verse about being content, and then I continually fall back into the pattern of hoping for something more. Here is a list of things that I remember telling myself....

Once I graduate high school I will finally be able to....
Once I graduate college, I will meet....
Once I find a job I will be.....
Once I find a better job I will be.....
Once I get back from Bolivia, I will.....
Once I get married we will have....
Once we pay off my student loans we can....
Once we get a better car we can buy....
Once we buy a house we can have....
Once we have a child we can....

And my most recent favorite,

Once I lose weight I will....(more on this one later)

How pathetic am I?  Never cherishing the moments and the memories that I experienced when I was counting down to the next life event.  When I'm 81, I know I'm going to look back on those life events and wish I experienced them differently.  But I'm not 81. So I don't know HOW to experience them differently.  I don't know HOW to cherish moments.  Because before I know it, they pass me by, and I'm looking forward to the next thing.

In Hebrews it says,

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' Heb. 13:5

I've never had a love of money, but I have a love for the things money can buy.  I have a love for the nonmaterial things that I wish would happen in my life.  So I need to choose to be content with what I have.  I need to choose to be content with my husband the way he is.  I need to choose to be content with the place in which God has me right now.  That starts with gratitude.  Thankfulness.  A thankful heart.  So often I forget to stop and thank God for the things with which he has blessed me.

Here is a list of blessings God has given me right now that I should be content with.

A God that loves me unconditionally
A husband that loves me even when I refuse to love myself.
Two beautiful families that care for me and love me.
Friends who hold me accountable AND pray for me.
An apartment that is perfect in both rent and quality
A car that was given to me, just because.
The ability to not live paycheck to paycheck

I guess we shouldn't be content.  Right? We should be longing for eternity. The fact that none of these life events fulfill me should go to show that I will only truly be fulfilled in Christ.  In Him who has the power to make all of this go away or to give me more or to give me eternity.  He is the One and only thing that should cause contentment in me and in my circumstances.
I am so small minded sometimes.  So focused on the details, that I forget the big picture.  This life's purpose is simply to enjoy Him and love Him forever. Everything else is just a bonus.

God--satisfy my hunger.  Kill the hunger with a burning passion for you and you alone.

Be blessed,
Rachel

Prayer in its Purest Form

My prayers usually begin with the typical one-liner we all are programmed to use: "Dear God.." "Dear Heavenly Father." etc. etc. By the time I think of something eloquent to begin this dramatic endeavor, I find a way to bark out all of the things that I am worried about or unable to understand. I continue with a plea so dramatic and strong that it brings tears to my eyes because I long for it so much, and then I remember that I forgot to praise him. So I praise him for something--usually using Bible school buzz words, then go back to my big request. I completely avoid the flying, jumping, and trumpetting elephant that I convince myself doesn't exist in the room: usually having to do with a sin issue or someone who I am refusing to forgive. I praise him a little more before I tie a nice little bow on top with an "In Jesus name, Amen, " and go about my day.

Meanwhile, I find myself anxious about the future.  I have a mind that is divided amongst my jumbled and wandering thoughts which include: unanswered questions about the future, insecurity about past decisions, and discontentment about my current circumstances.  Its a wonder that I am able to hold a conversation with my thumb, let alone other people.  Peace is almost a legend of a concept that is so far away its hard to believe it exists.

Interestingly enough, God uses various circumstances in my life to teach me one simple lesson.  My anxiety is a direct result of a flawed prayer life.  Over the past couple weeks, I have been challenged to alter the way I view prayer.  Though my prayers tend to be few and far between, I know that God wants us to have a continual dialogue with him (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

My community group at FCC has been going through Francis Chan's BASIC series.  The video series displays a typically confusing and artistically abstract silent film, which I am not cool enough to understand, underneath a 30-minute sermon about a given topic.  I enter my own listening world as I learn from the genius that is Francis Chan.  Ironically, last week the topic was prayer. Chan walked through the formula of prayer that all "good" Christians memorize in Sunday school.  But he gave a new challenge: do we actually pray the way God intended?  Do we actually have the same desires that God has for us or do we expect him to treat us as the genie treated Aladdin?

In his sermon on the subject of worry, Pastor Mark stated, "some people are prone to getting ulcers while some are prone to giving others ulcers."  As a verbal processor and seasoned worrier, I am prone to both.  So often I use God and my loved ones as my personal therapists, and I forget to be still and wait on His words to guide me.  I was a junior in high school when I made the commitment to follow Christ, no matter what, but I forget to listen for his guidance.  My heart is heavy (Prov 12:25), but I'm out of excuses because God has given me the easy formula for a worry-free life: intentional prayer (Phil. 4:5-17).  God wants us to present our requests to Him through prayer.

Pastor Mark presented a challenge: to list those things that cause anxiety, and instead of simply avoiding them--facing them in prayer. Not only are we to face them but we are to thank God for each and every anxiety.  God doesn't care how small or big they are, he wants us to bring all of the things that weigh us down to his feet so there's nothing else to steer focus away or make our steps heavy.  That is prayer in its purest form--no filters, no avoidance of reality, but true reverence, raw confession, and unending thanksgiving.  That is the formula for a worry-free life; that is the secret to making the legend of a "peace that passes all understanding" into a reality.